By Mark Goulston, M.D.
Happy couples know that the real relationship begins when the
honeymoon is over. They know that unless you maintain the garden of love, its
beauty will wither and die. In a recent column, you discovered the 10
relationship
mistakes to avoid. Now discover the 10 things that happy couples do:
1. Go to bed at the same time.
Remember the beginning of your relationship, when you couldn’t wait to
go
to bed with each other to make
love? Happy couples resist the temptation to go to bed at different
times.
They go to bed at the same time, even if one partner wakes up later
to do
things while their partner sleeps.
2. Cultivate common interests.
After the passion settles down, it’s common to realize that you have
few
interests in common. But don’t minimize the
importance of activities you can do together that you both enjoy. If
common interests are not present, happy couples develop them. At the
same
time, be sure to cultivate interests of your own; this will make you
more
interesting to your mate and prevent you from appearing too
dependent.
3. Walk hand in hand or side by side.
Rather than one partner lagging or dragging behind the other, happy
couples walk comfortably hand in hand or
side by side. They know it’s more important to be with their partner
than
to see the sights along the way.
4. Make trust and forgiveness your default mode.
If and when they have a disagreement or argument, and if they can’t
resolve it, happy couples
default to trusting and forgiving rather than distrusting and
begrudging.
5. Focus more on what your partner does right than what he or she
does wrong.
If you look for things your partner does wrong, you can always find
something. If you look for what he or she does right, you can always
find something, too. It all depends on what you want to look for. Happy
couples accentuate the positive.
6. Hug each other as soon as you see each other after work.
Our skin has a memory of "good touch" (loved), "bad touch" (abused)
and
"no touch"
(neglected). Couples who say hello with a hug keep their skin bathed
in
the "good touch," which can inoculate your spirit against anonymity in
the world.
7. Say "I love you" and "Have a good day" every morning.
This is a great way to buy some patience and tolerance as each
partner
sets out each day
to battle traffic jams, long lines and other annoyances.
8. Say "Good night" every night, regardless of how you feel.
This tells your partner that, regardless of how upset you are with him
or
her, you
still want to be in the relationship. It says that what you and your
partner have is bigger than any single upsetting incident.
9. Do a "weather" check during the day.
Call your partner at home or at work to see how his or her day is
going.
This is a great way to adjust
expectations so that you’re more in sync when you connect after work.
For
instance, if your partner is having an awful day, it might be
unreasonable
to expect him or her to be enthusiastic about something good that
happened to you.
10. Be proud to be seen with your partner.
Happy couples are pleased to be
seen together and are often in some kind of affectionate contact —
hand
on hand or hand on shoulder or knee or back of neck. They are not
showing
off but rather just saying that they belong with each other.
Even if these actions don’t come naturally, happy couples stick with
them
until they do become a part of their relationship. They know that it
takes
30 days for a change in behavior to become a habit, and a minimum of
six
months for a habit to become a way of life and love.
Dr. Goulston is the co-founder of CouplesCompany. com and the author
of The
6 Secrets of a Lasting Relationship (Putnam, 2001).
"Life is not about what you’ve gained, it’s about what you’ve done"
